GLF 65: Geoff offers advice on life, the universe and how to run a football club.
Top Tips
If you don't want to set fire to your house, remember to put your cigarette right out.
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If you've got a bad football manager, get rid of him by the most devious way you can to try and avoid paying compensation.
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The smell of freshly baked bread will enhance your house if you are selling and people are due to view.
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By simply moving people from the Cooper Stand, you can make a lot of money from Rangers and Celtic.
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Spilt some red wine?If you drink enough white wine you won't see the stain.
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Increase your income by removing an extra game each season from season ticket books.
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To remove the smell of onions,ask for a hot dog without onions
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To save on costs of plastic holders for season tickets get your fans so irate that they throw them on the pitch, then you can re-issue the same ones next season.
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Can't be bothered sorting out your recycling?Chuck it all in your neighbour's bin.
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Electronic scoreboard got huge running costs?Just turn it off and pretend it's broken.
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Don't want your car clamped when you park illegally?Take all the wheels off and prop it up on bricks.
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Want to keep something secret?Announce it over the Fir Park tannoy and no-one will ever know what it is.
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Costing too much to develop your own players for the greatest fans in the world?Buy them cheap from Scottish teams.
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Can't afford to get different people every week to do the half time raffle?Get Joe Wark and Willie Pettigrew to do it every week.
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To stop cats defecating in your garden,set up an electric fence around the perimeter.Or just shoot them.
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Don't want the expense of a new manager bringing in his own backroom team?Get your own in place first.If he's desperate for a job,he'll accept anything.
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Avoid bank charges by not having a bank account.
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Told '91 magazine how you used to belt out Motherwell songs from the terracing?What will you tell your new employers and fans at Ibrox?Tell them anything because they are gullible and believe everything in the press.
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Told the press nothing about any allegiance to Rangers.Don't worry,Hugh Keevins can twist the most innocent of phrases to suit his paper's Old Firm agenda.
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Can't be bothered cleaning your house.Then DON'T!Leave it for as long as you can stand it before contacting Channel 4 and Kim and Aggie will do it for nothing and pay you for being on the telly.
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Not making enough from your pizza franchise?Get a part time job at Fir Park to subsidise your income.Even better, you don't have to do anything to get the money.
Geoff Baby
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